just a little something.

if there’s anything i’m bad at, it is most definitely expressing myself. through whatever the medium, it’s always been a constant battle of trying to rationalise my thought process. my thought process is a mess. mess is an understatement, but i’m sure you get it. i cannot for the life of me try to pin down how i’m feeling, and try to come to terms with it, because the gears in my mind just turn and turn and it’s maddeningly never ending.

i’m sad, almost all the time. there hasn’t been one day where i’ve actually smiled genuinely or said, “hey, today’s been quite an amazing day!”

i’m always down in the slumps.

i hate my head sometimes. because it makes me feel bad. bad about things i thought i forgot. i’m so sick of it, and sick of the fact that there is nothing i can do to stop it. to fix it.

i’m trying my best all the time, but it’s never enough. it’s always never enough.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i genuinely mean it. im trying to be a better person and trying to fix my faults along the way, but this process is naturally easier said than done. i hope you and i are both patient with this process, and i hope you and i both live to see the day i can genuinely say, “hey! today’s been quite an amazing day!”

thank you for bearing with how terribly flawed i am.

and i’m sorry if it’s been a burden to anybody.

Advertisements

Hey, guys!

Whew. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I started college a month back, and lord has it been hectic.

For the most part, I think, college is fun. I guess. I’m not really sure what I wanted out of college, anyway. You’ve got the perfect mix of people getting drunk, having their sole purpose in life revolving around drinking, smoking, having sex and every possible cliche you can remember from a YA novel.

This is going to be short because I’m terrifyingly busy with assignments and maybe once the madness settles down, which is, I don’t know when honestly, I’d be back to updating (hopefully) frequently!

Until then!

Stereotypes – your ignorance and stupidity.

So, I’ve been having to deal with a lot of headaches lately. Partly from my migraine, but mostly from people.

I’ll get straight to the point. Wouldn’t you be mad if someone reduced you to racist comments and stereotypes of your wonderful culture? Hell, you’d be so mad, you’d want to do things beyond the phrase, “This person is going to catch my hands* if they open that stinky mouth of theirs again!”

(A/N: *Catching hands essentially refers to a more toned down version of, ‘I’m going to beat the crap out of you, ya punk, if you don’t fucking shut that garbage you call your mouth.’)

This post IS from a k-pop fan. Not an angsty, misses-the-whole-point-in-the-process kind of fan. But a more, I’m-really-tired-of-your-racist-comments-and-I-cannot-believe-i-have-to-educate-people-on-this kind of fan.

Saying you like k-pop is met with skeptical looks of, “Why do you listen to songs you don’t understand?” and eye rolls from hypocrites who call Despacito their favourite song and jam to it at least once a day.

My problem, however, doesn’t lie with their hypocrisy. (I’ll deal with this issue on another blog post) It lies with the fact that they reduce an entire culture to stereotypes. To everything this culture is essentially not. K-Pop, in fact, comprises of many cultures. For a long time, K-pop’s biggest acts (groups, in this example) have hosted/are hosting Chinese members in their lineups. And now, even Thai AND Japanese members are part of current lineups of up and coming groups. I’d love to disclose groups with foreign members, but I’m sure that will be a post for another day.

You know how people assume that everyone in K-pop “looks the same”? Yeah, they are the ones I’m talking about.

The way you phrase it doesn’t make it seem racist; it just makes you look ignorant.

To say, “All Asians look alike,” has more racist connotations (usually unintended) than something along the lines of “I have a hard time telling Asians apart.”

Without more context, this first phrase is dangerous. It implies that it’s the Asians’ fault that they look alike. In fact, they look alike to you because you haven’t interacted with many Asians. That’s not their fault.

The phrase also implies that you’re not trying to differentiate them, which may not be true. Without more information, this can come off more racist than you intended.

The second phrase, however, puts the onus on you and your inexperience. It’s not necessarily your fault that you haven’t had opportunities to interact with certain ethnic groups. Not all of us can grow up in an ethnically and socioeconomically diverse group.

But, let me break it down this way to you:

The Japanese do not look like the Koreans, and the Chinese don’t look like the Mongols. Similarly, Kpop group 2PM’s Taecyeon will not look like EXO’s Suho. They might look alike at the first glance, but after a while of looking or watching, you’ll see the differences. There are different shades and types of hair, different eye shapes, different facial structures, different heights, different skeletal structures, different skin shades, etc.

It isn’t actually racist to have this initial difficulty. But, concluding that all Asians objectively look alike is entirely racist because it indicates that you are dismissing this difficulty differentiating Asians from each other as due to a universal quality of Asians rather than your own underdeveloped experience and/or lack of effort or attention.

Asia, as of today, has 48 countries. Isn’t that enough reason to understand diversity? Essentially, people tend to classify Asians as, “Koreans-Japanese-Chinese.” But, you need to know that Indians, Thais, Burmese, Nepalis, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Malays, etc are all Asian, and no, we don’t look alike.

Pulling “slanting eyes” to make fun of essentially a part of Asians who happen to have been born with monolids, makes you look ignorant and stupid at best. First of all, it’s reducing them to one aspect of their body. Second of all, that aspect is one that they don’t have in common with the people who are mocking them over it, meaning they’re Othering them; saying implicitly, “They’re different from us in a way that matters.” And because it is mockery, which carries an inherent implication of negativity, it’s saying, “They’re different from us in a bad way that matters.”

Bottomline of this post is, educate yourself. You have the internet at your disposal. You don’t have to understand all of this by necessarily getting into Asian pop music, dramas, etc. But you can learn and educate not just yourself, but anyone you see making the same mistakes and understand the implications of your action.

Until the next post!

I wonder.

I wonder, maybe if you had said yes,

I’d be happier.

Those three letters could’ve changed my life – for the best.

If you had said yes,

I wouldn’t have to meet the fierce, inquisitive stares

from eyes that believed what someone else said,

instead of believing for themselves that I could be

kind, that I am absolutely, fully capable

without their gazes ripping me apart, tearing

me to shreds, reducing me to nothing but careless and useless

whispers that the air now holds.

The air tastes pungent, my lungs filling in with lies,

with contortions of who I am, words that have morphed

me into the monster I never was and I never will be.

But the air still hangs the happiness I could’ve had, that I never

had the chance to feel, to experience.

I instead feigned that happiness behind curtains of regret,

behind 6 foot walls of longing, and behind a shattered mirror that once

held the image of a happy girl.

(Just a poem to my dad who should’ve trusted me enough to let me take my own decisions.)

– A.

Wisdom teeth removal + you can hear me silently sobbing in the distance.

Hello, m8roos! 

Yesterday, I had 2/4 of my wisdom teeth removed and I shit you not, during that process, my life flashed before my eyes. 

All the exaggeration aside, I’ve been in pain. It doesn’t hurt during the process, but after the anaesthesia wears off, you feel like you’re gonna die. 

I’ve been recovering pretty okay. My cheek kind of swelled up on the inside, and it’s bothering me but it’s normal, so I’m just like, “yeah okay I’ll get better within weeks.” 

I feel oh-so absolutely, immensely tired. Sleeping seems like a luxury at the moment. 

Anyway, I just thought I’d update everyone!

Lots of love. xx 

I’m back! (I couldn’t think of anything else for a title, I’m so sorry.) 

Hello, grasshoppers! 

Hm, it’s been a while. I’ve been busy finishing my last year of school, and.. 

*drum roll*

I start college in 2 months! 

Also, my final exams didn’t go as planned, but I got the grades for the effort I put in, so all is well, I suppose.

I’ve been kind of…hm, I don’t know how else to put it? Weird? Yes. Weird. I’ve been feeling weird these past few months. Maybe it’s this feeling of starting afresh that’s intimidating but welcoming at the same time or just the general fact that people have been acting up, and I am not having any of that bullshit people throw at me. 

Today was kind of weird too. Weather wise, everything. It got really cloudy and super windy, but there was not a single sight of raindrops anywhere. *pouts* 

But it definitely made me feel a little bit under the weather. 

So today, I was just reminiscing. Some of it was happy, but for the most part, I just ended up getting really irritated for some of the things that has happened to me, over the course of my last two years of school. 

What I drew from this whole reminiscing episode was, people just like to assume who you are, without even trying to figure out who you actually are. It’s frankly the most irritating and infuriating thing – right after pineapple on pizzas – to do. 

Assuming how someone is without having ever actively conversed with them in your entire life, doesn’t make you some god-sent, I-can-read-through-people-well superhuman. You’re just a bigot. Or to put it in simpler terms, an asshole.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re right sometimes when we can see through people. But even then, there’s so much more to them. More than what they choose to show you. 

It’s not fair, you know? Taking someone at face value and assuming, yes that is how they behave and I will shit on them for it for the longest time possible. 

But I guess, some people don’t change and it’s always best to ignore them. Just avoid their existence as a whole and focus on your develepment as an individual. 

It doesn’t cost you anything at all to be less assuming and judgemental towards someone. If you really want to know who they are, at least try talking to them. 

I’ve been to busy to actually really sit back and point out to everyone who has done me wrong like this, but you know what? I’m just gonna let it slide. It isn’t worth the energy spending. I’d rather channel this energy into something productive.

So, anyway. There we go. That’s it. (This is so abrupt, but WHAT CAN I DO.) 

I hope you guys have a great day/afternoon/evening/night, wherever you are! 🙂 


11:11

it’s 11:11;

my heart is still raw, the wounds are still fresh, like they

were inflicted upon me yesterday. the surface of my heart is

jagged, it’s been hard for this broken heart to beat normally

because each beat feels like it’s ready to break through its

cage.

i’ve spent all my 11:11 wishes wishing for bandages to patch

up the open wounds and gashes people have hurt my heart with,

wounds that have been rubbed with sandpaper over and over,

while they rubbed salt against the raw flesh, like the sandpaper wasn’t

enough to inflict any kind of pain,

but it still pumps, feebly so, even after i’ve felt like my heart

threatens to give in,

it expands when i feel like i can’t love anymore,

and, sometimes, when it shrinks, I can’t help

but

 

Language update! + Mini Rant.

안녕하세요!

So, now I can read AND write Hangul! I’m so excited because I love learning languages, and ever since I ventured into the world of K-pop, I’ve been having the time of my life learning the language. Of course, I haven’t forgotten my Japanese! It’s just that Hangul is a lot easier to learn, considering it has lesser amount of characters than Japanese.

Buuut, I wanted to make this post for another reason.

The moment I started learning Japanese, except for my parents and some friends, everybody else gave me shit for it. It even went to the extent of them making fun of me for it, by saying stuff like, “What a loser! Who learns Japanese?”

The main reason I started learning Japanese was because of anime. Honestly. I wanted to know what it’s like to watch a show without subtitles or listen to those anime openings without having to look at translated lyrics. The only thing is, I needed classes for this because Japanese has over 2000+ characters, so naturally, it’s not something I can pick up fully on my own, unlike how I’m doing it with Korean. And the same goes to Chinese. There’s almost 5000+ characters if I’m not wrong? So when we learn languages apart from French and Spanish, with an interest, the LEAST you could do is be an ass about it. I’m sorry, I’m just REALLY frustrated because when I say I want to learn a language, I don’t mean ONLY French or Spanish. They’re wonderful languages on their own, but if I’m not interested in learning it, stop asking me why oriental languages and why NOT French or anything else. Like, why not Japanese or Korean or Chinese? Why is every second person learning French? Again, not that it’s a bad thing – but the main point here is that it’s my choice. I can choose what I want to learn. Just like you chose French, I chose Japanese and Korean out of sheer curiosity and interest.

So sit your ass down before I start swearing in Japanese and Korean.

Anyway, that is all I have to say, really.

So,

안녕히 겨세요!

Hopefully, I’ll have something nicer to talk about next time. 🤔

I’M BACK FROM THE DEAD! – hi.

Hello, lovelies! I feel like I haven’t updated in a million years. Sigh, this has to do with the fact that I have my final exams going on, and while I’d like to say I have been drowning in my books, I truthfully haven’t.

Anyway, last month I turned 18 and I forgot to make a post. I usually do on my birthdays, but I think I didn’t really give much thought to turning 18. Like, I don’t necessarily think it’s anything special. I’m usually never this bummed out during birthdays, so I can’t really tell what exactly is the reason I’m feeling like this.

(Although, I think it is because it’s an important age, because college, blah blah, stuff I’m only partially excited for.)

So, there’s a lot that’s been happening over the course of the few months – weeks, even, if I might add. My feelings have been all over the place, and I have truthfully become a little more bitter than usual, but maybe this is just a temporary feeling, so I’m not really doing much about it.

I haven’t been writing lately, and I decided this dry spell should probably end.

So, anyway, as I mentioned before, my feelings are all over the place, and I’m not quite sure how I should be addressing this? It’s weird, kind of. Like a very heavy, yet light feeling in my chest and I just want to curl up into a ball and lay like that for the longest time.

I’m craving some kind of home, that probably never was a home, but the warmth and comfort of it on certain days made me feel warm, cozy and happy.

It’s was 3 years ago, when I lost that ‘home’, but I want it back. Mostly because, I’m partly jealous someone else took my spot to call it a ‘home’.

A home that was my place during troublesome times, when a boy was my world, and sometimes, it got so overwhelming, I would need that comfort.

But it’s okay, I guess. I’ve made home within myself. But I’d like it if I got that chance again, to feel that warmth again, because my home here is a little bit of a mess, and I need some warmth, comfort and quilt-like coziness.

I Will Rise.

taetiseo-dear-santa-teaser-pictures-2

 A/N: This was inspired by a song that fills me with a weird sort of hope, that “I can and I WILL do anything.” I mentioned the name of the song and the artist at the end of this post with a part of the lyrics. This song means a lot to me, so yeah.

Anyways! I hope you like this. ^-^ Soz for the lack of posts? Life as an outgoing 12th grader is hard, smh. -A.

I’m perched under the sky, looking up at the clouds

that float around, adding hues to a colorful sky;

I close my eyes, and the world stops for a while,

I feel like I’m flying high, without a care for where

I will land, because I know, the landing will be soft,

and it doesn’t matter where, I just want to land somewhere.

Yesterday, I was alone,

countless gazes burning holes in me,

while I tried to make sense of what was happening inside

my mind.

Yesterday, I lost my balance,

but here I am, standing again, a little shaky,

but I survived another day, even if I was shaking against the

raging torrents of my emotions, a little petrified of what is to come.

Here I am, today, singing in the loudest voice how

none of this matters anymore, how I’m just going to fly,

how I’m going to scream, “My life is so beautiful!”,

because of the people, because of the memories that make up

the patch-work quilt that keeps me warm.

My heart has been broken, stretched, resulting it to be

jagged, and I spend my 11:11 wishes on bandages to smoothen it,

but my heart is still raw, like some of my wounds, but it still keeps

beating against its cage, teaching me in its own way,

that despite whatever happens, I need to go on.

I will make mistakes, I will fall in love again,

I will keep making memories;

and the moment I open those closed eyes,

I will rise again.

“kkotipeun jeomulgo homgyeoweotdeon nan
jageun bicheul ttaraseo
adeukhaetdeon nal jeo meolli bonaego
challanhage naraga”

Translation:

“Flower petals wilt;
I had difficult times, but followed a small light.
Distant day, let it go far, faraway
I fly splendidly.” – I by Taeyeon ft. Verbal Jint.